Well, we had our suspicions for a while....I will spare you all the details. I had been extremely delayed in going to a doctor of any sort. I was busy, having babies, raising toddlers, dealing with fathers who had dymensia, mothers with breast cancer, in laws with cancer. Then school started...well that can keep you pretty busy too.
So finally the time had come to make the appointment. I was nervous, they might scold me, I had been bad, right? Well it went well no one even scolded me, they were nice it was easy and I thought, "well this was painless, why did I wait so long.." Everything came back ok...except....well "the bleeding didn't seem normal and I have some concerns, we can't really get an accurate pap smear." So off to another doctor I go.
There was several appointments, I think God was just allowing us time to settle in to these thoughts, and finally the diagnosis was made. Cervical cancer.
Of course in my heart I already knew. I had been dealing with this with God for a little while now. I was peaceful. I had shared it with a few people and I knew I was being prayed for constantly. But really even before that, God was working on my heart.
I can be a bit of a control freak, those of you who know me well are not surprised by that statement. Especially when it involves my children. I found myself struggling with the big C word and wondering how it would effect them. I told God, my biggest desire is to just be able to raise them, to grow old with my husband, to see the amazing man my son becomes, to help my daughter raise her 20 children..... I suppose everyone who is told they have cancer struggles with this for some reason. We want to have some guarantee of our life span. If I can only do this God....
Well God swiftly started working on this in me.
Psalm 139:13-16
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
Wow! God was telling me that whether I have cancer or not a spec of disease in my body He knows the days that I will be on this earth and this sudden news, which was no surprise to him, had not changed that. That was such an Ah Ha moment for me.
So here we are...
In between the diagnosis and what comes next.
God has already worked in me so much in this short amount of time. I feel He has shown me so much mercy and love. He has allowed my to walk in His peace, a peace that can even bring joy in our trials. It amazes me that God can feel so close to us in our trials. It is almost like He just wraps His HUGE, LOVING arms around us and says.."walk in me and experience my peace while we travel this road together"
Hebrews 13:5
..."never will I leave you; never will I forsake you."
Now that is a promise I can count on.
So we go from here. On to more doctors (I am still praying no one will scold me :)
I know some days might be hard, But I know that cancer isn't to big for my BIG God so that puts it all into perspective for me. I will continue to praise and trust Him because I know He will continue to hold me and to guide me on this journey.
Blessings.
