Today is my last day in the hospital. I have been here since Monday having my final dose of radiation. I have been confined to my hospital bed and required to remain on my back. I can raise my head and upper body some but I need to remain flat no turning to a side.
It hasn't been overly pleasant but again I believe God has graced me with the ability to bear it.
My husband had been reading Job so I thought I would look at it this morning. I began in the beginning and read all the disaster that faced Job. He really had it rough. I heard his painful cries to God, read about his insensitive friends and in the end read God's amazing response to Job.
I think somehow we believe we can somehow be good enough to ensure that we have a good life. Our view of a good life. I think we believe that sin is punished and if we don't have sin we shouldn't have to endure hardships. The only thing is that we all have sin. God is holy and even our best days are so unholy we can never be held up to a holy GOD.
When I was reading about Job I thought I could hear him....Hey God, I have honored you all my life (he had, God said that when Satan came to test him) why are you allowing all these bad things happen to me? I don't like this, I don't know what I have done wrong to bring this all on?
See the thing is God's way are so much higher than our own. The end of Job is such a wonderful reminder of how powerful and amazing God is. We don't understand His ways and we won't. We can't. We are not God.
I wonder sometimes what I was to learn through this whole journey of cancer. I know I have learned many things. Some surprise me. I have learned that I am not perfect 'yes, I knew I wasn't perfect before but don't we all think we have so much good in us? I have learned no matter how badly I want to control a situation it is not mine to control (I am sure that will be a lesson I will learn on again and again and again....). I have learned to relax. Enjoy the gifts that God has given me. To have some fun. To not get so caught up in making my life go the way I think it should that I miss the blessings all around me. I am learning...to give up control. To trust a trustworthy God to do the things in my life He promises in His word. To not focus on getting it all right but to focus on the beauty of God all around me. To read His word and trust His plan for my life, my husbands life, my children's lives. Even when I don't know what that plan is.
So in a few hours I get out of this hospital bed. I don't know how things will go from here but I know my God does. And that is good enough for me.
Blessings
